A new and completely unanticipated nuisance has turned the last month a real hell for me. It has also opened my eyes, as, pitiful and kind of sympathetic that I have so long been, seeing cowardice and timidity of people around, a harsh realization has occured in me that I myself is no less timid or unnecessarily cautious than several of them. It's only when the knife strikes you that you get to know it's sharpness.
It all started in junior-senior cricket match at IITK. I was in my room fast asleep when some friend called me up making me rush to the ground. On that fateful match I got struck in my right eye. It was a pretty severe blow. The pain sustained for quite some day. On the 4th day after the match, when I was about to go to bed, I saw a very bright spark on the outer periphery of my field of vision. I looked around for some source of light and got extremely alarmed not finding any. Nevertheless I convinced myself that it might have been some illusion and felt asleep only to see a series of flashes in a row after getting up the next day morning. I was taken completely by panic but I could only wait as the institute opthalmologist sits in the evening. I remember how a frightened, alarmed and traumatised me waited till evening. In the evening I rushed to the clinic. She examined my eye, and prescribed medicines and eye drops. Upon inquiring about the cause she told "ho sakta hai chot ki vaje se tumhara vitreous humour hil gaya haai". samjho!!
It didn't stop. People suggested me to consult a good doctor in town rather than putting this much faith on campus opthalmologist. I visited Dr. jain. he assured me saying that I don't have any retinal damage and precribed some medicine, but he also told that these flashes won't just go off magically. I was much relieved. After two weeks it suddenly occured in me that I'm not seeing much difference in condition of my eye. I visited him after another week only to be thoroughly re-examined and reassured.
After that I came across the symptoms of retinal detachment in internet, and the fact that they are significant threat to one's eye. Immediately anxiety and fright grasped me as to whether mine matches with those symptoms. I see those flashes still, in not many less numbers and live with the fright of it's leading to something more serious so much so that my usual course of the day is vastly hampered. I'm fully aware of the fact my anxieties and thoughts are possibly completely orthogonal to what the actual scenario is, still I have to come down to the department everyday after dinner in the hope of living some moments free of these strange thoughts amidst other people. Anxiety is devouring me despite my being well aware of the fact that anxiety can only weaken me internally and aggravate my psychological stand. I worry knowing very well that worries don't help and I only lose out things if I worry.
Hope this experience teaches me to be a little more rational so that I don't ultimately die out of the fear of dying.
